why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
