omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
