Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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