if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
