Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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