Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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