i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
