first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
