When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
