If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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