So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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