I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
