New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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