getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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