I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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