woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
