At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
