You made me cry and you don't even care
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
