My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
