does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
