new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
