Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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