I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
