My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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