I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
