oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
