Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
