I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
