Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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