She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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