I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just cropdusted the office
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
