I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
