dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
