we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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