2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize