don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She bit a glass in half.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
