I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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