Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
