Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
