I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
