How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
