Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
