I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
