I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
