just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
