if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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