apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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