Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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