mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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