Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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