so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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