Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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