just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
